


Hanging On

by narribo



Series: Saving Stiles [2]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Abused Stiles Stilinski, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bullied Stiles, Claudia is mentioned multiple times but not in it obviously because she's dead, Dead Allison, Dead Allison Argent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Is Alive, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Going to Hell, M/M, Multi, Nice Peter Hale, Pack Bonding, Pack Dynamics, Pack Feels, Peter Hale is actually not a dick in my fanfic wow, Protective Derek, Protective Pack, Scott McCall Bashing, Scott McCall is a Bad Friend, Scott is a Bad Friend, Self Harm, Sheriff Stilinski bashing, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, abused!Stiles, actually Scott is a dick in my fic, bye, bye bye, hello, tagging is hell, whoops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-22
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-04-10 12:36:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4392059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/narribo/pseuds/narribo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Stiles is hurt the pack are there for him and vice versa. It's kind of a rotation they have. After the events of "Unbearable" everything was perfect. </p><p> </p><p>That was, of course, until now.</p><p> </p><p>That follow on book to the first one in my series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What Family Are For.

Life had been pretty good. Ever since leaving his home, all had been great. Derek and I had been getting closer, and more  _comfortable_ with each other... If you get what I mean... My dad has stayed clear away. I've been staying with Derek in the loft and helping him renovate the Hale house to it's original glory. The only hi-jink we've had was when Scott decided to save a freshman, Liam, by biting him to stop him from going splat onto the pavement. So all was good. The keyword being was.

 

* * *

 

 

"I'll race ya!" I heard Liam shout. He darted off across the field. I turned to Lydia, straight faced. "The little shit does realize that I don't have super werewolf strength right?" I asked her. She rolled her eyes. "He was more sporty than you before he was a wolf. What did Scott say you called him? A were-cheetah, were-jaguar?" I pursed my lips and replied shortly. "I called him a were-cheetah, but that's irrelevant. I am sporty right? For a human? In a pack of werewolves? Well I hope I am, all the running I do from supernatural creatures should add to my desirable physique." I heard Scott burst out laughing from the other side of the field. I shouted to him. "Hey Scott, I found this on the floor and I think it's yours!" I raised my hand, my middle finger up. He grinned at me and I grinned back. "Looking forward to school again Stiles?" Aiden asked me. He grabbed Lydia's shoulders gently and pulled her backwards for a kiss. They grasped hands and Aiden looked over to me, waiting for a response. "No, because I'm so use to our supernatural life, however will I find school interesting now, if it was already boring before! But I suppose I could be cheered up if my big wolfy boyfriend would treat me like you treat Lydia!" I shouted the last bit, hinting to Derek. Lydia laughed. "So not obvious Stiles. Not obvious at all." I shrugged. "Well he may be getting all sweaty in the house while he builds it up, but forget the houses' needs, I am a hormonal teenage boy, I have my own needs!" We had finally reached the rest of the pack, who were all doing their own parts to make the house look new, from bringing in furniture, to cleaning up the outside, painting and the like. Scott patted me on the back. "C'mon loverboy, you can help with the painting!" I scoffed at Scott. "Me, I thought I was the only non-supernatural human, apart from Danny who gets Ethan to do all his work, besides, were-cheetah over there can do it. The new boy needs some catching up." I complained. I could hear Liam shouting his rejection to my half request through the house. I scowled. "I'll just sit here looking pretty with Lydia while you work, you guys do need the eyecand- EEEE!" I shouted as I was picked up by the waist and spun around.   


 

I made eye contact with Derek who raised his eyebrows and gave me a peck on the cheek. "No, you don't do that! If your gonna kiss me, your gonna do it properly!" I grabbed his cheeks comically and pressed me lips against his. I faintly heard wolf whistles (literally) from around me. Derek pulled back and kissed the tip of my nose. "As- much - as - I would - enjoy to - do this - all day - I have a house to build." He pecked me on the lips between every few words. I grinned, "So Sourwolf can do romance eh?" I teased. He pulled me forward and whispered in my ear. "I can do a lot more than that and you know it..." I felt a blush scale up my neck and the tips of my ears turn pink. We Eskimo kissed and he went off to carry on working. I looked around at everyone who was staring at me. "What, you never seen a hormonal teenage loved up boy with a hot sourwolf boyfriend? Geeze, you guys need to get out more." 

 

* * *

 

 

_*Sometime the next day in the morning.*_

 

I dived up, sweating and breathing heavily. "You okay Stiles?" I heard someone say. Isaac, my mind registered. I nodded then shook my head. I looked over at Isaac and he smiled sadly. "Nightmare? I get them too about my dad." I nodded in sympathy. I looked around and remembered that we were all sleeping in the finished living room of the Hale house, also one of the only finished rooms. I put my hands on my head and breathed slowly. "10, 9, 8, 7, 6..."  I counted down until my breathing calmed and looked at Isaac again."See," I shakily said. "I'm fine, but I'm not tired anymore." Isaac lent over to his phone and clicked it. "It's time to get up anyways, would you like to do the honors of waking everyone up?" Isaac asked me. I shrugged and replied. "Not particularly, but if you protect me from pissed off werewolf claws, then I will." Isaac nodded as if to say deal. I stood up and cleared my throat. " **Rise and shine, momma Stiles says it's time to get up so move your wolfy asses and get ready for school!** " I heard groans of protest and laughed. "Go to school so I can go back to sleep." Derek slurred. I laughed and went upstairs to get ready. 

 

After getting ready, I ran downstairs to see everyone crowding by the door looking serious. "Why so serious guys? Is something wrong?" I asked, curiousity getting the better of me. Derek looked at Scott and silently communicated. "Nothing Stiles! Come on let's go!" I nodded, pulling my bag onto my shoulder. Derek walked up to me and gave me a passionate kiss. When he pulled back I stared at him wide eyed. "Remind me to start a new school year more often." I said to myself. I heard laughs around me. "Bye Sourwolf!" I chirped. He grinned at me and ruffled my hair, and whispered an 'I love you' into my ear. I walked out and hopped into the jeep. Scott sat next to me in the car and I turned to him and spoke. "I'm gonna find out what you were talking about. It was the whole pack apart from Danny and me. I'm not stupid Scott." He nodded solemnly. "I guess I'll have to make sure you don't find out then." He replied stiffly. "Okay." "Okay." "Good." "Fine." "Mhm."

 

We didn't talk for the rest of the journey.

 

* * *

 

 

I sat in History, when the teacher announced something. "We have a new student, Theo Raeken, who has actually just moved back to Beacon Hills, some of you may know him from when you were younger I expect?" I nodded stiffly. Theo. Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse. Then for the cherry on the cake, he sat next to me. "Hey Ge-" I cut him off. "You know I don't go by that. Call me Stiles. Only my mom called me that." He raised his eyebrow at me. "Yeah but isn't Mommy Stilinski dead?" He teased. I clenched the table and flared my nostrils, before gritting out. "Don't you dare talk about my mother." I cautioned. In the corner of my eye, I saw Kira look over to me, concerned. Theo saw me make eye contact with her and lent over. "Got the hots for your best friend's girl?" I hissed out to him stiffly. "No, I don't." "What would he say if he knew that? Would he dump you, eradicate your friendship?" I sat staring straight ahead, ignoring him. "If I found out my best bud had the hots for my girlfriend I'd be pissed, do you think Scott would be pissed? Maybe he'd kick you out of his pack." I froze and turned to him slowly. "Caught you attention did I? Yeah, I know that you have a pack, werewolves, kamina, banshe, kitsune, I've done my research, besides I'm a wolf now too. You know Stiles, you have such a strong scent of death, but then again, didn't you kill all those hospital workers?" I clenched my teeth, trying to ignore him. How did he know all this? "You killed Scott's first love, how do you know if your not going to kill this one too? But isn't she your love too? Maybe it's one of the 'if I can't have her no one can' situations eh? Is that why you killed his last gir, gonna kill this one too because you can't have her, cause she don't love you? What a shame, I'll have to tell your friends, imagine the reactions on their faces when I tell them you have the hots for his gi-" " **I'm gay!** " I shouted loudly, then covered my mouth in shock. Mr Yukimura sent me a look of shock, at my sudden proclimation. Everyone began laughing and I felt my face go red.

 

"I did that on purpose you know." I heard Theo say. "And you took the bait." I felt tears running down my face and I ran out of the room. I heard Scott shouting my name but I carried on running. I ran straight out of the school doors and just carried on, till I got to the edge of the car park across from school. I sat down and mentally reprimanded myself. I should've known he was baiting me. Then again he was also an asshole when we were younger. Once an asshole always an asshole. My mind pondered on it more and More, stressing me out. I turned and punched the tree, groaning when my fingers cracked in protest. "Fucking idiot! Stupid fucking- Ugh!" I shouted out, hopping around on the balls of my feet whilst cradling my hand into my chest. I sat down on the kerb and screamed into my hands. 

 

I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket and ignored it. It was probably Scott, asking what happened. I saw a figure running across the car park. When I realised who it was, I was increasingly confused. Scott, I'd understand, or even Liam but Isaac? He stopped in front on me and asked me what happened. "Some new kid being an asshole. Isaac he knew everything, he knew about everyone in the pack, what they are, who is in relationship, he knew about...about the nogitsune and Allison's death. He wanted a reaction out of me! And I gave him exactly what he wanted!"

 

Isaac put his hand on my shoulder and pulled back in shock. "You're hurt." His eyes flashed golden. "Did he do this?" I shook my head, feeling stupid. "I punched the tree..." I muttered. Isaac shook his head at me and grabbed my arm. I saw the black veins appeating on him. I tried to pull back but he maintained a strong grip. "'m sorry." I murmured. Isaac frowned. "Why?" He asked. I felt guilt surge through me. "You loved Allison too. I never apologised for taking her from you." I saw his face collapse in upset. "You okay Stiles? Truthfully." He demanded, but sincerely. "I'm hanging on... Barely." He pulled me in for a hug and I snuggled into his neck. "I needed that." I said, muffled into his neck. He nodded against me. "I know, but that's what family are for."


	2. Time Bomb.

Once Isaac and I had our bonding session, he decided that school was too much pressure today and in his exact words "I've had enough of supernatural shit to last me a life time, wanna go chill in the nearly finished Hale house?" I, of course, replied with a "Hell yeah." Although looking back, it wasn't the best of ideas, especially with the motherhen Sourwolf boyfriend also being there.

 

* * *

 

 

"I will punch that fucking bastard so in the nose his face will come out of his fucking ass." I blinked watching Derek pace round the room. I'm so glad I under exaggerated when telling him what happened. "Derek you do know that is physically impossible rig-" Isaac was cut of by Derek snarlin, his eyes flashing blue. "Trust me, I'll make it work." He stated. I pushed myself up on the sofa, wincing when I pushed down with my hand. Derek and Isaac both turned to me. "Stop listening to my heartbeat, it's disconcerning and quite frankly, creepy as fuck, and I'm the guy who was possessed by something with some kind of piranha looking mouth that used to be a human." They just blinked at me and Derek huffed, collapsing down on the sofa next to me. "I can't believe you waited three films to fill me in! Why?" Derek exclaimed. I shrugged mumbling under my breath. "I couldn't be bothered because my habd was still hurting..." Derek frowned and held me close, leeching my pain. "You need to tell me these kind of things Stiles, you know we can help!" He reprimanded. I shrugged again. "Stop shrugging! It's irritating me!" I opened my mouth to reply with a witty comeback but stopped, as a loud patter of footsteps pounded into the room. "Stiles!" I turned and grinned, "Hey Liam, how ya doing buddy?" He plonked down next to me on the sofa. "I'm doing fine!" He replied chirpily. I smiled at him. He frowned. "Something is wrong. Your hurt." He stated. I shruggged and was immediately reprimanded by Isaac for doing so. "This idiot, Stiles, punched a tree." Derek informed him. I heard a distinct laugh and knew immediately who it was. "Yeah, sounds like something Stiles would do. Always was a bit of an idiot wasn't he?" I froze at the voice and realised who it was.

 

Theo. 

 

* * *

 

 

"I can't believe you just let him dillydally straight in here Scott! How do you know we can even trust him?" I exclaimed. For the past ten minutes, me and Scott had been expressing our... _opinions_ on why or why not Theo should be allowed in the pack. "Stiles, we knew him from when we were little, we can trust him, I know you had some trouble with him in the past but for me can you-" "No. You don't get to do that Scott, you don't get to pull that card. I'm the one who should be pulling that card as your the one who dragged me, the weak human, into this supernatural shit storm. It's because of this that your a werewolf, I know that's all upsy daisy for you because who wouldn't love being super boy 2.0? I'm the only person who gets the downside here Scott. I'm only here because you needed me at the start! Hell you still need me! I thought we were brothers Scott. Brothers trust each other, protect them, make them feel safe and right now I do not feel safe with Theo here. And I don't know if I can trust you either. I know your keeping something from me." I argued back. The room had gone silent. "What did Scott mean by trouble?" I went to open my mouth but was interrupted before I could get a word out.

 

"You know, we were being boys but we're adults now, water under the bridge right Stiles?" Theo pushed. I blinked and shook my head. "You know Theo, if you weren't such an utter ass to me today, I would've let bygones be bygones. I may be an adult now but trust me when I say I can hold a fucking grudge." Scott looked between me and Theo. "What do you mean Stiles?" Scott said slowly. Isaac began speaking. "He's the reason Stiles ran out of lesson, why he nearly had a panic attack in the parking lot and why he hurt his knuckle on a tree." Isaac said coldly, staring down Theo. Scott looked at me sharply and nodded as if for me to continue. I gulped and began explaining, feeling Theo's eyes drilling into me the whole time.

 

"He was saying that I liked Kira, that I killed Allison because... Because if I could have her then you couldn't either. It started when he went to call me by my name. I told him no one but my mom can call me that, then he taunted on how she is dead, he started saying it was my fault the hospital workers are dead and he knew what everyone in the pack are and-" I was cut of by Theo. "I was only joking with him, guy took it a little overboard, I didn't know he would react like that." The person who next spoke surprised me thoroughly. "Get out you little bitch. Before I force you." Jackson walked over to him and snarled. Theo raised his arms in a peace sign and nodded, said a quick 'I see I'm not welcome.' And left. Jackson turned and nodded to me. "Everyone knows how much you loved...no, love your mother." Jackson said quietly, not looking me in the eye. I got up and walked across to him, wrapping my arms around him. "Thank you." I whispered. I pulled back and Jackson cleared his throat. "Yeah, well that's why we're pack." I smiled and nodded my thanks at him. "Why did you shout out about..." Kira trailed off. "I shouted out I was gay because I knew he wouldn't leave it alone. Everyone found it hilarious so I probably looked like a dick. My dad is gonna know I ran out because school will ring him and he'll come and get me and everything is gonna go wrong again and I...I...." I began breathing heavier and heavier. I felt a hand rubbing my back and whacked it off. "I'm fine okay! I just... Nothing. Just forget I said anything okay?!" I stumbled out the door way and to the back porch. I collapsed onto the grass and began counting quietly to myself. I saw a shadow come up behind me and I muttered. "I'm fine alright? It just...it scary you know? The unknown scares me. And what scares me more is what I said in there...because it's probably all true. There's got to be truth in what Theo said too, or I wouldn't have reacted that way. It's the hospital thing. I know it wasn't me, but I have those memories. I wasn't even the same person then but I have his memories. I remember seeing Allison die even though I was with Lyd. The worst part is, I remember the emotions I felt while this happened. I enjoyed it. And I know it was so long ago but it scares me."  I turned to face Derek, "I'm like a time bomb Derek, and some day I'm going to explode." I felt his arms around me and I sobbed into his shoulder.

 

"What's wrong with me Derek? Why do I hurt everyone who I come in contact with?" He held me closer. "It's because your so good, the world tries to weigh you down with bad, but you keep surviving. I never told you about my anchor. It's you, my anchor changed and it was you. The thought of you keeps me grounded. Do you remember what you told me you said to Lydia? About how death doesn't happen to her?" I nodded. "It happens to everyone around her. She doesn't care about getting hurt. At her funeral, people would be standing around trying to figure out what they would do with out her in it. You may have been talking about Lydia, but right now I'm talking about you. Your not the weak lin, your the strongest person I know. Your the super glue that holds this pack together." I smiled up at him. "Shall we have another pack sleepover?" He asked me softly. I started nodding then stopped. "Nightmares again?" Derek asked. I nodded and he pulled me close. "We'll figure it out." I whispered quietly. "Few more minutes out here." He held me close, his warmth hugging me and I closed my eyes, letting myself drift into a half conscious state.

 

"We'll always protect you Stiles. I promise." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's twenty to two in the morning I'm tired I hope your happy sleep deprivation is killing me I can't be bothered with commas or full stops why am I bothering with apostrophes I don't know
> 
>  
> 
> Love ya sweethearts 
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks
> 
>  
> 
> K bye


	3. Living In A Nightmare.

I was coaxed inside by Derek and we all sat together in a group hug. I felt a run on my head. "Stiles? Are you awake?" I groaned a yes. "I know I haven't known you for long but I just want to say that I see you as family and I would protect you any day, even if I am a girl." I grinned and replied. "Kira, I've seen what you can do with a sword so I think you can protect me better than I can protect myself, easily." "Okay Stiles. I just wanted to make sure you knew..." She trailed off at the end of the sentence and gave quiet yawn. After a few seconds of silence I heard a snore on top of all the other snores that were already sounding throught the room. We ended up falling asleep on the living room floor. I had my head on Derek's legs, my legs under Scott's head, Jackson had Lydia lying beside him while they spooned. Liam and Danny were cuddling, Liam drooling onto Isaac. Erica and Kira were also cuddling, well half cuddling upside down. Erica had her legs wrapped around Kira's torso and Kira was using her feet as a head rest. Ethan was lying on the sofa whilst his twin was on the lounge chair.

 

 

For now life was good. At first I dreamt of my mom. Everyday before I went to bed, my mom used to tell me that I would always have to be strong for her, she'd say that although it was stormy now, it can't rain forever. When my mom died, it was stormy all the time, but she is right, it can't rain forever. I left home, got away from my dad... I have a boyfriend that I would never leave. I just need to keep telling myself that the storm clouds will go away, because in this case the storm clouds are my nightmares.

 

The thing about this which was kind of ironic is that I've began to notice a pattern of me being happy when I fall asleep and soon waking via a nightmare. But this one was bad. My dream went south quickly. One minute I was sitting happily with my mom and the next minute I was watching as an arrow impaled itself into her stomach. It was like when I saw coach impaled by the arrow, but this time there was nothing to help. I had to watch my mom die, slowly, in pain, choking on her own blood. I tried to remind myself that my mom didn't die this way, that she died comfortable inside the hospital, with me holding her hand. But the image of the blood running down her chest made me sick to the stomach.

 

Dream me stumbled backwards and bumped into someone else. Dad. Dream me went to hug him but I looked at his hand pushing me away on my shoulder. I looked up at his face and heard him speak. He spoke a phrase I had heard him say so many times. A phrase that will haunt me as long as I live. "It's your fault your mother died! You killed her Stiles! You! And now you're killing me!" He pushed me backwards and suddenly I was falling. Dream me shouted, hollered  for help, but none came. I heard the taunts Theo spoke ringing in my ears, repeating themselives over and over and over. "No!" I cried out, realising my eyes were clamped shut. I opened them and saw my pack. My family. Dead. I heard shouts of blame, shouts of anger, screams of truth. No. No. Stop. No. The image of my pack dead was seared into my mind. "No!"

 

I jolted up, looking around panicking. "Stiles?" I felt a hand on my shoulder and I quickly stood. "You're dead. I saw it. All of you. Gone. This isn't real. You're not real." Liam's eyebrows furrowed. "Stiles, this is real?" I looked around. "No, something's wrong. It's all wrong. I don't... I...it's wrong." Liam walked towards me slowly and I yelled out. "Leave me alone! You're not real! You're dead!" I watched as the pack slowly woke up. I stumbled out of the room, everything feeling detached, almost like everything was slow motion. I could see Derek speaking but my ears were ringing loudly. I slumped down the wall, muttering to myself. "It's not real. S' not real. Not real. They're dead. It's my fault. They're dead. It's not real. It's my fault." I chanted to myself as a mantra. I looked up, disorientated, confused as to why I wasn't waking up. I stood as Derek leaned towards me. "No. Don't touch me. It's my fault. I bring death where I go." I tried to move away but my path was block by the pack. Fake pack. Real pack? I don't know. Tears began streaming down my cheeks. I dropped to the floor suddenly, looking around myself in confusion as a lost child would when in a new place. I watched as Lydia began urgently speaking. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I chanted to myself quietly. Tried to anyway. It hurt to breathe. My lungs hurt. "Hurts...'T hurts." I could hear broken parts of her speaking over my heavy breathing and quiet chanting. "In... room...panic...shock...stopped." 

 

Derek was suddenly in my eyeline  as he dropped to the floor next to me. He said something but I just ignored it. "Can't breathe. Hurts. Can't slow. Can't, I can't-" I felt my chest tightening. It felt like my eyes were bulging out of my head. I couldn't. I can't...I felt lips press against mine and I blinked in shock. I saw Derek's face as he pushed his lips closer and I opened my mouth, his tongue slipping in. Our teeth clashed together and he gently bit down on my lip as he pulled away and stroked my cheek.

 

I felt my breathing slowly slow. It didn't hurt as bad. It was okay. Good pain. Pain I could cope with. "This is real Stiles." I nodded slowly, still unsure. Scott began speaking. "Your still having the nightmares of the Nogitsune?" I shrugged. "I thought you all knew? It just... This was the worst one since...Well..." Everyone was mumbling whilst shaking their heads. "Well you do now..." I said, trailing off into silence. I felt a body press tightly against mine. I looked and saw it was Scott. "Idiot." He muttured fondly into my shoulder. "Sorry..." I said quietly, sleep beginning to take my conciousness away. "My fault Allison died. Shoulda been me... Shouldn't have...I miss her."  I heard a choked cry. "Oh Stiles!" "Sorry guys. I'm still broken..." I trailed off quietly as sleep finally overcame me, and I welcomed it freely.

 

 

 

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> READ THIS PLEASE!!!
> 
> I'm going to start this chapter with a big apology. I'm a fucktard I know for not updating. I've probably lost half my readers. Life has been shitty lately and I won't go into detail because I don't want to bore you. It's my last year of  
> high school guys so the stress on my shoulders is unreal.
> 
>  
> 
> Yeah I'm getting A*'s in English but in Maths I'm getting C's and in Science I'm getting D's! My targets for all my lessons are A's so I'm not going to be able to update as much anyway because I need to study! I'm writing a real book as well in my spare time! Not a fanfiction! It's loosely based on my life, it's called "A Day In The Life Of A Walking Disaster." But obviously I may change the title. At first it was a short story for a competition but then I was like "it's like a skeleton of a story, but it has potential so let's do this shizzle." Three chapters, 20,000 words later, and I'm not even half way finished! 
> 
>  
> 
> But yeah guys. I'm guilty for being the most shitty, crappy, unreliable author in the existence of authors. I wouldn't blame you if you all quit reading this and now hated me with a fiery passion of a thousand burning suns. (Poetic much?) 
> 
>  
> 
> On a happier note, I was on a tumblr page guys! http://theofficialstereklibrary.tumblr.com/tagged/abused!stiles On this link! Scroll down a bit and you'll find Unbearable! I feel like a proud mother!  
>  
> 
> Love ya sweethearts!
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks.
> 
>  
> 
> K bye.


	4. Pain makes you human.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!
> 
> This chapter may be triggering for people. If you have ever had suicidal thoughts or thought about/self-harmed, I suggest that you read with caution or don't read this chapter.

When I woke I was enveloped in a large pack cuddle. I opened my eyes and looked around expecting everyone to be asleep but they were actually awake and watching me. "What? What's wrong?" I murmured. My sleep addled mind was working slowly as I became more aware. Lydia sighed and pulled me closer. "Stiles, you aren't broken. You're just hurt." I heard mumbles of agreement from the other pack members. Derek pulled me close into his arms and held me tight. "You're a silly boy Stiles Stilinski. It was never your fault, it was the thing inside of you. The monster that took over your body and controlled you against your will!" I shook my head, attempting not to let the tears in my eyes fall. "You don't understand... When it had control over me, when it used my body for what it wanted... I liked it, I felt a thrill from your pain. I remember plunging a sword into Scott's chest. I remember throwing you across a room Derek. I felt powerful, strong, fearless." I inhaled slowly and continued. "I remember telling Chris to shoot me, to kill me, put a bullet in my body. But there was a small part of me that wanted that. I wanted him to shoot me. I still wish that he had some nights. Some of the bad days, I wonder what would have happened if he shot me right then, killed me. Allison would still be alive, she would be here laughing with her beautiful smile. I sometimes wish that I was dead, I think that you all would be better off with me being de-" I felt my cheek burning in pain. "Stiles Stilinski, don't you fucking dare say that! We wouldn't be better without you, you're our glue. You keep the pack together." Lydia shouted at me loudly. "I'm sorry." I whispered. "Don't say that Stiles. It's not your fault!" Ethan exclaimed. "I could've stopped it you know. When Deaton said we had a door in our mind, that we needed to shut it, I had a dream about a door being wide open while I was in bed. I didn't close it or leave it open, I walked inside of it. I walked inside and left myself open and defenceless to that thing." 

 

Silence. That was all there was in the room, complete and utter silence. Then Scott spoke, "You're right Stiles, you could've stopped it. You were too naïve. Allison would be alive. It could all be okay, but you left your mind wide open." I heard Kira gasp and then there was a loud snarl. Within a split second Scott was being held up against the wall by Derek. "Get out." He spoke those two words calmly at first. A deadly calm. A calm before the storm. Derek dropped Scott down. "Get. Out." He snarled again. Scott stood his ground and when I looked at Scott properly, he was staring directly at me. I could see what he was thinking, how he felt about me. Disgust, anger. And it hurt, it hurt so bad. He is my brother, we met in the sandpit when we were young and have been inseparable ever since. All of that had cleared his mind. He didn't care about that anymore, I could tell what he thought I was right there. No more doubt about what happened. He whispered one word. That one single word broke me inside. 

"Murderer."

 

I felt myself snap, all emotions gone. It hurt to feel. It was better if I was numb. That's how I felt. Numb. Scott was suddenly hauled across the room, hauled across by Liam. I watched as Aiden and Liam dragged him out of the room, fury evident on Aiden's face. I knew what they were going to do, that they were going to punch him, fight him. I didn't care anymore. I didn't feel. I was just numb. Arms wrapped around me and held tight but I didn't hold back. I just sat there, accepting it but not returning it. "Stiles?" I heard Derek whisper. "Snap out of it Stiles." I watched him look me in the eye, hold my stare. "I can't feel anything from him through the pack bond Derek. It's like he's there but not. It's like he's alive but not living." Jackson's words didn't register in my mind fully. 

 

"Speak to me Stiles, please. Say something. Anything." Derek pleaded me. "I'm sorry." I whispered again quietly. I felt Derek wrap his arms tightly around me. I inhaled slowly. "Don't be sorry Stiles. Just let it out. It's okay for you to talk to us. It's not healthy for you to keep this trapped inside." I shook my head. "I don't want to talk about it. Not anymore. I've just done that and look what happened. I just want to be alone." I felt Derek pull back from me but still holding my shoulders. I looked up to him and watched him as he spoke. "Stiles, do you really think that's a good idea at this moment?" "Leave me alone Derek." I spoke quietly. "Stiles I do-" "Leave me alone!" I shouted loudly this time, not caring anymore. "Fine. Shut me out. I don't care."

I watched as he walked out, the rest of the pack also filing out the room one by one. As soon as they left I curled up on our pack bed. The bed we used to have big cuddles. I held a pillow tightly in my arms. I wanted to cry but it hurt to feel. Hurt is good, hurting keeps you alive, pain keeps you human. That's what the wolves do to control themselves. To speed up them healing. Maybe it could help me. Help me heal. 

I walked slowly into the bathroom and sat down on the cold, harsh floor. I wanted to be fixed. To be strong like the rest of the pack. So I did just that. I gave myself pain. Pain so I could feel. The pain that could help me heal. I'll be fixed and it'll all be alright. Another slice of pain. Something more. To make me better. There was a nagging in the back of my mind, telling me I shouldn't do this, it will end badly. I'll be fine. It'll only be a one time thing. Something to fix me. Then I'll stop. 

 

This is what will fix me. Then maybe I can fix the pack, my friendship with Scott. This can help me fix everything. 

Besides, it's what makes you human to hurt...right?


	5. Stupid.

After cleaning myself up I decided to make my way downstairs. I had to remind myself that it was just a one time thing, it isn't anything big, they don't need to know. I walked down slowly. Trying to work out what I would say. My short outburst could've ruined everything. I walked into the kitchen and watched as everyone turned to me. "I'm-" "I swear to God, if you say I'm sorry then I'm going to punch you." Jackson exclaimed. "Okay, that outburst was a bit... Derek was right, holding it in isn't healthy. I got it out of my system." In more way than one, I added silently. "You're an idiot Stilinski, you know that?" Danny spoke then hauled me into a tight embrace. I pulled back and looked him dead in the eye, seriously. "Danny," I spoke quietly. "Am I attractive to gay guys?" The room burst out laughing and Danny bounced his arm onto mine in a playful gesture. I grinned at him, my try to fix it all was working. My way of fixing things was working. "Did you just cry up there or something, if you don't mind me asking?" Ethan said. "Yeah I cried." I hate lying to them. Well I suppose it's not lying, just not saying everything. "About with Scott..." Kira said quietly. "It's fine Kira. Really." I didn't want to think of that. I don't want to. Scott is, no, was my brother. Bros for life. Not anymore.  Someone cleared their throat to break the tension. "Well... You know what, fuck Scott. Let's go play a badass game of lacrosse." Liam said loudly. That must've been especially difficult for him earlier on, to ignore his instincts, to not follow his Alpha. I tried to show my gratefulness through the pack bond we shared, mine and Liam's specifically. He looked over to me and smiled.

 

Two arms wrapped around my waist and I was pulled tightly into a chest. Derek. I felt his nose on my neck as he inhaled. "Alright, down Fido. Plenty of time for that in the bedroom later." I winked at him jokingly. He smiled at me but it didn't reach his eyes. His eyes looked...sad? I furrowed my brows in upset. I'm sure he's fine. "What's wrong buttercup?" I jokingly asked him. He growled at me playfully. "Don't call me that. Nothing is wrong. I'm just worried for you." I looked at him, brain working in overdrive. "Why... Why would you be, y'know, worried?" Shit he knows, he knows, he knows. It was just a one time thing, nothing major just calm down. Be calm. "I thought you'd be more... It's nothing." Liam grabbed my hand and dragged me across the room. "Time to move jackass!" I punched him in the arm and he laughed. As he dragged me out of the door I turned to Derek and saw the look on his face. It wasn't a look I wanted on him. 

 

***

 

"First to ten wins!" I laughed at Liam. "What?" "My team is already on eleven." He scowled. "Fine whatever." As he walked past me he nudged my shoulder jokingly, me being the weak human however, fell to the ground. I put my hands out to stabilise myself and hissed in pain at the pressure on my wrists. "Oh shit Stiles you okay?" Liam asked me. "Shit dude are you bleeding?" I looked around in hurry. "Dude you are!" I pulled my wrists close to my chest. Don't see. Please don't see. "Your knees are wrecked! Damn." I pushed him away and stood to from my knees. "Nah, I've had worse. Remember the pixies?" I watched as Liam grimaced. "Yeah don't even start me I mean, who the hell decides to attack me?! I've got some serious anger issues." "They covered you with glitter Liam." Jackson said blandly, overhearing our conversation. I listened in amusement as Liam started to rant about glitter and pixies. The more I listened, the more I thought. Why couldn't I be happy, carefree like Liam? I'm just downer Stilinski. Not even my dad loved me. He would hit me. I ruined his life. Maybe if I wasn't born then my mum would still be alive. Okay, that's stupid. She died of frontal temporal dementia. Not my fault. Maybe it was... I shook my head, my mind having a war. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't! I don't even understand why Derek was dating me. Where was the appeal? I'm just a skinny freckled boy, annoying and weak. I'm weak. "Stiles?" I turned to see Jackson staring at me. "What? Did you say something?" "I've been trying to get your attention for the past 20 seconds Stilinski." "Have you had your Adderal today Stiles?" Liam asked me. "Uh yeah I think. Or not. I dunno actually I might've. But I don't think I did. Maybe. I don't know." Liam rolled his eyes. "Derek your boyfriend is being weird again." He shouted loudly. A loud shout returned. "Not my property, not my problem." Jackson laughed loudly at Derek's response. "Damn is he finally getting annoyed with you? Took him long enough." I stood in silence for a second or two and spoke. "I'm going for a drive." "Hold up I was joking, you can't drive with your hand busted like that!" I turned and stared down Jackson. "Watch me." I climbed into my jeep and turned on the engine, drowning out Jackson's speech. I turned my car and drove out of the driveway, watching Derek run out of the house in the rearview mirror. I'm not going to do anything stupid.  I just need alone time. That's what I was telling myself anyway. Alone time. Just to be human. Feel human. 


	6. Life isn't fair, but neither is death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, like the last authors note and probably for the rest of this story from now on, this may be triggering to some people due to self-harm and suicidal thoughts. If you are triggered by any of these things then please STOP READING! Thank you. Hope that caps lock got your attention :)

I pulled up outside the Beacon Hills Cemetery. I don't know why I came here. Just instinct I guess... 

I shook my head, annoyed. No, random driving is Lydia remember Stiles? You're not her. You'll never be as smart as her. Even though she's a banshee, she's still more humane than you. You're a monster, you killed Allison. You killed all those people.

"No!" I screamed to myself. It's not my fault, it wasn't my fault. But it was. Close the door, that's what Deaton said. What did I do? Stupid Stiles Stilinski walked right through it didn't he? Like the idiot I am, I just waltzed straight in. I was stupid. I didn't do as Deaton said. I screwed up. Because of that people were killed. They were murdered.

I'm a murderer.

I can be human. I'm a human. I'm not a monster, not anymore... right? Do what Derek said, what Scott says, what Liam had learnt. Pain makes you human. It'll make me human. I grabbed my wrist and clenched down with my nails. I clenched down harder, stronger, more! I breathed calmly when I felt the pain, the pain was there. Pain meant I was human. I'm human. I'm still a human. 

I climbed out of the jeep shakily, I needed someone. I can't tell my friends, they don't deserve that burden. But I can tell my mom. I need mom. Mom. She loved me, she cared for me. I miss her.

"Mom," I whispered, lowering myself to my knees in front of her grave. "I miss you. I'm all alone. I've got my friends, but I still feel so alone. They would say they understand, but they don't... They don't. Why am I talking like this? They have it worse! Derek, Peter, Cora, they lost their entire family... and I'm sitting here having my own goddamn pity party! Isaac's dad beat him... locked him in a freezer. Isaac had no one, no one to help him for so long. And now he's an orphan, and I'm feeling sorry for myself? Why, why am I feeling like this mom?" 

I curled up on the grass beside her grave stone. "I need you. I'm selfish, I'm cruel and I hurt everyone around me. Da-John, he hates me. I'm annoying, loud and just a waste of space! I wish my pain would just go away... but it can't mom, you see, because pain is what makes us human. That's what the pack says. If I had no pain, I wouldn't be human. Besides, even if I did stop the pain... that would just be a hassle too. Apparently funerals are really expensive, did you know that?" I laughed bitterly.

"Of course you don't. Because you're dead, stone cold dead, rotting down there. You didn't lose anyone. I lost a mom! I lost my mom, John lost a wife... I guess I lost my dad that day too. I lost everyone. You didn't lose anyone!"

I stood suddenly, screaming. "It's not fair... It isn't fair!  **It's not fair!** " I ran away from the grave. No goodbyes for her, not today. Why was my face... why is... am I crying? Why the hell am I crying? I wiped my eyes, but more tears fell. I slumped to the floor beside my jeep. "It's not fair... it's just... it's not fair." I whispered quietly to myself.

 

 

 

 

 

I felt arms wrap around me, holding me softly. "I know it's not fair. It, as you teens would say, 'sucks' to be the damaged person. It'll get better." I looked up slowly at the person holding me. "Peter, what? Why... who, what?" I couldn't even articulate sentences. "We are all worried Stiles. Worried about you. We're your pack, I guess I don't have the best reputation with you know, my crazy murdering spree and my tendencies to not give a damn about other people, but I understand. Not properly. But I understand what it's like to be the damaged one." I could feel myself shaking, shaking with sobs.

 

"I want Derek... I want Scott, he hates me but I miss him. He was my brother and now he's gone. I want my mom. It's not fair..." I moaned sadly into Peter's shoulder. "Derek is on his way, I called him when I found you. I know what it's like to not have someone. I lost a son in the fire, and a woman I loved very deeply. It's funny isn't it? How love can change to anger so easily?" He pulled away from me and looked at me in the eye. "But for your sake, and everyone else's, you need to speak to us Stiles. Holding all this in, it's going to damage you. You might do something that even we can't fix. Let us in Stiles." 

 

Does he know? He can't possibly know. Right? I've hit rock bottom. I'm finding comfort in creeper Peter. At least he isn't trying to kill me again, so improvement. At least he understands, I didn't think he could, that anyone could, but he does. How does he understand?

 

"Stiles?" I looked up to see Derek hovering over Peter, looking down on me. "I knew something was wrong with you earlier but I couldn't place it, why didn't you tell me that you wer-" I flung myself at him, sobbing. God why am I so freaking weak. He grabbed me tight and held me close to him. "It's okay, just let it out, let it all out." I cried harder, why doesn't he just push me away? Why does he care? "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm a mess, I'm broken and I can't be fixed Derek. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry." I cried and cried into him, repeating over and over. I just wanted the pain to go. But I needed to be human.

 

"I can't handle the pain. But I need it Derek, that's what makes us human. I'm a monster, a murderer. I want to stay human Derek but it hurts, it hurts so much!" I felt detached from what was happening, just letting my tears fall. I could feel myself being lifted into the back seats of my jeep, Derek with me. I realised then that Peter was the one driving.

 

Why is Derek still rocking me? Why is he still comforting me? Am I still crying? I closed my eyes and snuggled into the comforting warmth of the person I love so much. I could feel his breathing against my hair, soft and warm. "I think," I slurred tiredly, "I think that you're my anchor, you know? You're my anchor." 

 

And then I succumbed to the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I finally updated! I know, I'm shook too. I have one word for you all, a single word.
> 
>  
> 
> College.
> 
>  
> 
> So yeah, that's why I've not been updating. Buttttttt *drum doll* I've already got more chapters waiting so no months between updates anymore guys! Yay!
> 
> As always,
> 
> Love ya sweethearts!
> 
> Thanks.
> 
> K bye.


	7. AN

Hey guys, sorry I haven't updated recently! I've been absolutely SWAMPED. Forgive me! Also my epilepsy was acting up again which sucks hairy ball sacks ew how irritating seizures.... although they're probably the most exercise I get because I'm a lazy little shit.

 

I promise that I will put up a new chapter soon, a month at the LATEST. If I don't then you can all spam me on my twitter @adabbinglester lmao (cheeky promo but also probably getting myself in for hate tweets).

 

I love you all so much, especially to those who have been with me since the start of my first one. You guys know who you are ;). I SOLEMNLY SWEAR ILL BE BACK. It's no unbreakable vow but eh y'know.


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